Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.