Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
