I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
