birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
