When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
