You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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