All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
