if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
