I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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