that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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