you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
