There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Randomize
