I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
