I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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