I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
