Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
