i'm signing you up for texting rehab
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
