I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
