theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
