How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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