Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
