I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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