My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Randomize
