dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Everything about him screamed your future.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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