I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
