her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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