Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
