My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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