She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
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Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
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Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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