when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
