My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
