I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I want her autograph on my taint
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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