Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
no. you can't hotbox the world.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
