My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
