Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
The ass gains better be worth it
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