I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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