I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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