I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
