I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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