blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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