The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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