Cold hands, warm shart.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
