What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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