im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
