So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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