There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Come see our sink grown plant.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
