But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
