I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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