After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
