Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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