Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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