he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
