Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
