why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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